I admit it -- I
don't "get" Britney Spears.
As far as I am
concerned, she's not attractive, she has a squeaky, annoying voice
only dogs should be able to hear, she can barely warble through her
songs, and her moves are so over-choreographed I'd believe she has to
spend three hours a day practicing in front of a mirror just to know
how to smile, wave, or pee. About the only positive thing I have to
say is that some of her songs aren't bad -- but they'd be much better
coming from between someone else's lips.
Britney's biggest
fans appear to be little girls and their paunchy daddies, also known
as "the dirty old man." The latter should be up on child abuse
charges for letting the former have a role model with such a
lascivious persona. For a while I decided a lot of her popularity was
based on the "dirty little girl" image she was playing up. Yeah, that
modified parochial school
uniform was for the tweeners. Uh-huh. I can see the horn-dog
daddies now, drooling over the life-size cutout at Virgin Records.
"Hey, honey, how about this Britney Spears person? Don't all your
little friends like her? Maybe we should get her videos...."
You killed
American music! You bastards!
Britney didn't
have to be all that attractive for the dirty little girl thing
to work. All those lustful S.O.B.'s were just happy to see an
embodiment of their dirty little fantasy brought to life. Maybe a
teenage Roseanne couldn't have pulled it off, but Britney was just
close enough that a boost from her suggestive lyrics and even more
suggestive dance moves and poses put her over the top. And, oh yeah,
let's not forget the pièce de résistance -- "I'm a
virgin." The fantasy was complete! "Honey, why is this hole
burst through the front of your slacks? And what the hell is that CD
you bought little Katie?"
Why is she still
popular now that the dirty little girl is a humping, manstealing
vixen? I suppose once they sold out to drooling over the dirty little
girl image, the men just naturally kept on drooling. Once committed
and all. The little girls that once adored her I suppose wouldn't
drop her either. Theoretically she is aging as they do. Inertia is
keeping Britney alive, dammit!
It never worked
for me, though. I honestly think Britney is ugly. Sorry, I do. And
her boobs aren't all that, either. I watched her closely when she
hosted Saturday Night Live, trying to discern something
to like. I failed miserably. Even her ankles were shapeless and
unattractive. When you're hoping for even a shapely ankle to hang
onto you've pretty much hit the bottom of desperation. Seriously, I
think we've found a woman I'd turn down even if given the
opportunity.
Britney? Justin?
Jessica Simpson? Are we really this hard up for celebrities?