When foreverserenity posted Esquire's list of "59 Things A Man Should Never Do Past 30" it was suggested that someone should write a similar list for women. I decided to take up the cause. Here are the results. (The limiting to 29 is totally arbitrary. I actually wrote about 35 then trimmed it back.)
29 Things A Woman Past 30 Should Never Do
by Gene Nash
1. Date vacuous eye candy just because "he's hot." (A.K.A. The Trophy Boyfriend.)
2. Own more than 3 cats.
3. Put glitter on any part of her body. (Or star in a movie called Glitter, particularly if her name is Mariah.)
4. Use flavored lip gloss. (Especially not as a "zero calorie desert" because it "doesn't count as food" and therefore can't be considered cheating on your diet.)
5. Speak like Betty Boop.
6. Wear her jeans below her hips.
7. Own anything bearing a resemblance to Strawberry Shortcake, Hello Kitty, or My Little Pony.
8. Think "But I can change him."
9. Go for the bad boy.
10. Induce a man to do something on the grounds, "But I'm just a woman."
11. Take a romance novel seriously.
12. Single handedly keep Häagen-Dazs in business.
13. Bedazzle anything.
14. Know all the lyrics to any Britney Spears or Spicegirls song.
15. Subtract more than ten years when giving her age.
16. Believe anything a clothing salesperson tells you.
17. Ask, "Does this make me look fat?"
18. Expect her man to read her mind (they can barely read their own).
19. Know the complete current story lines of more than 2 soap operas.
20. Believe in "size 0."
21. See an ugly guy and tell your friend, "There's you husband!" (unless it really is her husband).
22. Own more diet books than shoes.
23. Think that 3 coats of makeup, some rented lingerie, and a camera lens smeared with Vaseline equals "glamour."
24. Three words: "Grannies Gone Wild."
25. Consider baby sitter, dog walker, or plant waterer as viable career paths.
26. Own any t-shirt that says "Eye Candy," "Biatch," "Princess," or anything similar (especially if it's written in shimmering silver text).
27. Have "Daddy" on fast dial in your cell phone.
28. As a result of deciding "there are no more good men," import your very own small brown child from a far away land.
29. Go to the bathroom in a single pack. Several should stay behind in case a search party needs to be formed.