29 Things A Woman Past 30 Should Never Do

with apologies to esquire and womanhood in general

Published on April 24, 2006 By Gene Nash In Humor

When foreverserenity posted Esquire's list of "59 Things A Man Should Never Do Past 30" it was suggested that someone should write a similar list for women. I decided to take up the cause. Here are the results. (The limiting to 29 is totally arbitrary. I actually wrote about 35 then trimmed it back.)

29 Things A Woman Past 30 Should Never Do
by Gene Nash

1. Date vacuous eye candy just because "he's hot." (A.K.A. The Trophy Boyfriend.)
2. Own more than 3 cats.
3. Put glitter on any part of her body. (Or star in a movie called Glitter, particularly if her name is Mariah.)
4. Use flavored lip gloss. (Especially not as a "zero calorie desert" because it "doesn't count as food" and therefore can't be considered cheating on your diet.)
5. Speak like Betty Boop.
6. Wear her jeans below her hips.
7. Own anything bearing a resemblance to Strawberry Shortcake, Hello Kitty, or My Little Pony.
8. Think "But I can change him."
9. Go for the bad boy.
10. Induce a man to do something on the grounds, "But I'm just a woman."
11. Take a romance novel seriously.
12. Single handedly keep Häagen-Dazs in business.
13. Bedazzle anything.
14. Know all the lyrics to any Britney Spears or Spicegirls song.
15. Subtract more than ten years when giving her age.
16. Believe anything a clothing salesperson tells you.
17. Ask, "Does this make me look fat?"
18. Expect her man to read her mind (they can barely read their own).
19. Know the complete current story lines of more than 2 soap operas.
20. Believe in "size 0."
21. See an ugly guy and tell your friend, "There's you husband!" (unless it really is her husband).
22. Own more diet books than shoes.
23. Think that 3 coats of makeup, some rented lingerie, and a camera lens smeared with Vaseline equals "glamour."
24. Three words: "Grannies Gone Wild."
25. Consider baby sitter, dog walker, or plant waterer as viable career paths.
26. Own any t-shirt that says "Eye Candy," "Biatch," "Princess," or anything similar (especially if it's written in shimmering silver text).
27. Have "Daddy" on fast dial in your cell phone.
28. As a result of deciding "there are no more good men," import your very own small brown child from a far away land.
29. Go to the bathroom in a single pack. Several should stay behind in case a search party needs to be formed.

Comments (Page 1)

Tova7

on Apr 24, 2006

HAHAHAHA

These are pretty good! I especially like this one...and would add no shorts with this on the butt either!

Own any t-shirt that says "Eye Candy," "Biatch," "Princess," or anything similar (especially if it's written in shimmering silver text).

Locamama

on Apr 24, 2006

Okay, I'm busted on 14, 17 and 18 but overall a great list.

.and would add no shorts with this on the butt either!

yes, I hate those. It just screams look at my ass, look at my ass!

Dr Guy

on Apr 24, 2006

Very Good! But the Granny one is going to get you some heat.

SanChonino

on Apr 24, 2006

An apt list, Gene. Very good stuff. Let's send it into Esquire! I'm sure they'll publish it!

and would add no shorts with this on the butt either!

It just screams look at my ass, look at my ass!

Let's be honest - if anyone over the age of eighteen wears these, they look TACKY. Heck, they look tacky on the high school girls too!
As a twenty-something man - glittery shirts - turnoff. My thirteen-year-old sister is the one in glittery shirts . . . need I say more?

Very Good! But the Granny one is going to get you some heat.

The Doc may have a good point here . . . watch out for angry geriatrics!

shadesofgrey

on Apr 24, 2006

I've got another couple of years--which is a good thing, cause I failed on a bunch of them.

Trudygolightly

on Apr 24, 2006

Hilariously funny

AND on target at the same time!!

number 8 is truly important

great post! funny while so true

Dynosoar

on Apr 24, 2006

dharmagrl

on Apr 25, 2006

I'm guilty of 4 : I have some honey flavored lip balm, does that count as gloss? I don't think so; it's all natural and it doesn't make my lips shiny.

6: But I was skinny enough to make it work for me, see:

When that photo was taken I was almost 35.

I quit asking if things make me look fat. If I'm in enough doubt to ask the question, then I don't need to wear the outfit.

JillUser

on Apr 25, 2006

I think the list applies to women of nearly any age. As for #6, as dharma demonstrates, the body should be the gauge not the age. There are 15yo girls with a spare tire that shouldn't and 40 somethings with rockin bods that should.

So there!

foreverserenity

on Apr 25, 2006

Nice list Gene! Thx for the mention!

Sometimes we have to use number 10 to get what we want!

!

As for 17, I think we've all been there, asking the question, the key is the man had better know what to say!

DJBandit

on Apr 25, 2006

Wow, you beat me to the punch, not that Iwas really gonna make this list. I have enough trouble getting girls to notice me. I don't need something (like this list) that can be used in a court of law against me also.

Here's my take.

1. Date vacuous eye candy just because "he's hot." (A.K.A. The Trophy Boyfriend.) So true, gives us good guys a zero chance of success.

2. Own more than 3 cats. I like cats, but this is true. Don't want to be know as the guy who slept with the cat lady.

3. Put glitter on any part of her body. (Or star in a movie called Glitter, particularly if her name is Mariah.) Oh Mariah, I know many ways to shake the glitter off of her.

4. Use flavored lip gloss. (Especially not as a "zero calorie desert" because it "doesn't count as food" and therefore can't be considered cheating on your diet.) Yuk, can't stand flavored lipstick, fee like I'm kissing a little girl.

5. Speak like Betty Boop. You can look like her, just not talk like her.

6. Wear her jeans below her hips. Especially with those extra spare tires enough to keep an SUV running for years to come.

7. Own anything bearing a resemblance to Strawberry Shortcake, Hello Kitty, or My Little Pony. Oh lord, this sometimes makes me wanna make He-Man turn evil just to kill them all.

8. Think "But I can change him." Not in a million years.

9. Go for the bad boy. Now this is just plain stupid. Sorry, just had to be honest here.

10. Induce a man to do something on the grounds, "But I'm just a woman." This is why I control the money in the house.

11. Take a romance novel seriously. I don't think they should read them period. They should be called scifi not romance. Star Trek has more realistic things than romance novels.

12. Single handedly keep Häagen-Dazs in business. Well, if it keeps them busy.

13. Bedazzle anything. And everything.

14. Know all the lyrics to any Britney Spears or Spicegirls song. Own them for that matter.

15. Subtract more than ten years when giving her age. And then they get mad when we lie about being with our ex's.

16. Believe anything a clothing salesperson tells you. This might be the answer to the mistery of where do they get these ideas about dressing alike. Twice the sale.

17. Ask, "Does this make me look fat?" When this question comes up I just take advice from the Twix commercial.

18. Expect her man to read her mind (they can barely read their own). Hah, I couldn't get it right if there was only one answer to their questions.

19. Know the complete current story lines of more than 2 soap operas. So this is why dinner is never ready when I get how from work.

20. Believe in "size 0." How that is even a size at all is beyond me. Last time I check no one sells me 0 inches of rope or PVC pipe.

21. See an ugly guy and tell your friend, "There's you husband!" (unless it really is her husband). That would be every guy on the street except for their trophy boyfriend.

22. Own more diet books than shoes. And still think they are fat.

23. Think that 3 coats of makeup, some rented lingerie, and a camera lens smeared with Vaseline equals "glamour." LOL

24. Three words: "Grannies Gone Wild." Hmmmm, interesting concept.

25. Consider baby sitter, dog walker, or plant waterer as viable career paths. Oh lord, I can see it now, Dog Walker 101.

26. Own any t-shirt that says "Eye Candy," "Biatch," "Princess," or anything similar (especially if it's written in shimmering silver text). Gold text maybe.

27. Have "Daddy" on fast dial in your cell phone. I fixed her phone so that when she dials the number my phone rings as well so I can get a head start.

28. As a result of deciding "there are no more good men," import your very own small brown child from a far away land. LOL

29. Go to the bathroom in a single pack. Several should stay behind in case a search party needs to be formed. Ever wonder if we have a Female President someday that she might get her best ideas in the bathroom?

DJBandit

on Apr 25, 2006

darn double post.

DJBandit

on Apr 25, 2006

Wont let me edit so:

29. Go to the bathroom in a single pack. Several should stay behind in case a search party needs to be formed. Ever wonder if we have a Female President someday that she might get her best ideas in the bathroom?

island_gurl12

on Apr 25, 2006

Pheww i've got 7 years to go

I'm guilty of:

3. Put glitter on any part of her body. (Or star in a movie called Glitter, particularly if her name is Mariah.) Only when I go out, does it count?

4. Use flavored lip gloss. But I love my strawberry flavoured lip gloss!!

6. Wear her jeans below her hips I'm allowed to as long as they fit

18. Expect her man to read her mind (they can barely read their own). Yeah I have still faith that i'll find a higher intelligence in men (lol, kidding you guys, ya know i love ya)

27. Have "Daddy" on fast dial in your cell phone. My Daddy is my Daddy and I'll always be his little girl!!!

crimson

on Apr 25, 2006

hahahaha!

See an ugly guy and tell your friend, "There's you husband!" (unless it really is her husband).

I always say 'There's your boyfriend!" to my twin in the car.... of course, I just as often say 'there's your lesbian lover!" too. Either way is still funny...

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