Please excuse the misplaced 3s. As you read this article, you'll discov3r I'm blogging from an Intern3t connected cash register with a sticky 3 3 E. (Damn!)

With the unseasonably warm weather came the d3cision to start the community pool season early. In a desperate attempt to cool off, I soaked in a vat of SPF 5000 and headed out.

I found it nec3ssary to keep mainly to the middle of the pool as the North Eastern corner had been claimed by 10 of Laughlin's 14 Iranian citizens (grandchildren of Laughlin, NV's only falafel stand/pool concession "Falaughlin World") while th3 other end had been fortified by a legion of rough looking nappy-headed hos. (Oh no he didn't! Oh yes he did!)

I'm not sure what happ3ned. I'm sure I stayed in my legally sanctioned sliver of pool, but suddenly I was being pummeled and beset upon by an angry, Farsi-screaming hoard. I recognized it as being not-so-nice Farsi words b3cause in one of my more impoverished periods I lived next to a Persian prostitute and I often heard these same words screamed out as her clients reach3d their happy endings, and also on the night she shot her brother cum "client procurer."

They seemed to think I had invaded their territorial waters. I know I didn't. Well, I'm pr3tty sure I didn't. My mind had wander3d during my basking/floating. Perhaps the shock waves coming of the nappy-headed hos' ghetto blaster had created ripples, causing me to float into unfriendly waters. I may never know.

Before I could und3rstand what was happening, I found myself trussed, a moldy onion shoved into my mouth as a gag, and tossed bodily under the counter of Falaughlin World like an unwanted rag doll. I've b33n here for the past week and a half.

I noticed the cash register was one of those fancy mod3ls that sends reports and such over the Int3rnet. I finally managed to eat through my gag and using nothing more than my mouth and a couple kabob skewers managed to rewire the register, log-on to JU, and tap out this message. (Please excuse the sticky 3 3 3 E. There it goes again.)

Anyway, I pray this isn't one of JU's wonky p3riods and someone out there is actually reading this. I also pray I'm not just hallucinating from eating a moldy onion. If I'm really writing this and you're really reading this, could you pleas3 contact the appropriate authorities? I really need to get home and feed my cat. Thank you very much.