"Hello? Homeland Security?"

a monologue

Published on August 3, 2004 By Gene Nash In Humor

"Hello? Homeland Security ? Good I want to report terrorist threats. I was reading this book and the guy in it said... no it was a novel.... What do you mean? You mean you don't care that this guy said...? What is wrong with you people? So if he phoned in a bomb threat.... Yeah! If the guy in the novel phoned in a bomb threat...! So that's okay with you?

"Well there's a very real author behind it, isn't there? He is inciting violence! Listen, anytime anyone says something like this people of deranged mind can just go off! Why are you sniggering at me? Yes, that's right I said this writing, fictional or not, could set off a deranged mind. Really now I see nothing to be laughing at. Yes, I would love to repeat this for your supervisor.

"Hello, Mr. Supervisor? I wish to alert you to a grave danger within the covers of this book I was reading. I believe that the author's dangerous writing may very well incite deranged minds to distasteful actions. Now why are you laughing?

"I guess the defense of this nation is just a big joke to you, huh? Well I am taking it very seriously! Very, very seriously! What was that? Am I on a speakerphone? There's too much laughing, did someone say 'Yes I can see that?' Good. I am glad you can at least recognize how seriously I take this very important issue. It is people like me, not people like you who will keep this country safe, I can assure you!

"What? It depends on the suggestion. You think I shouldn't visit any more libraries? So it's okay for this character to run around free and I should not be visiting libraries?!?! Hello? Hello...?"

(one week later)

"Hello? Homeland Security? I was at Blockbuster Video today..."

Comments

Ravenblack

on Aug 04, 2004

lol. (Are you thinking about Tom Clancy's novels when you wrote this?)

Gene Nash

on Aug 04, 2004

Are you thinking about Tom Clancy's novels when you wrote this?

Actually I was satirizing the opinions of some of the combatants in the latest War of the JoeUsers (which one person said involved "half of the active users"). Feel happy that you are not involved.

I did, however, hope to make it generic enough to be funny to those not involved. Apparently I succeeded.

kingbee

on Aug 04, 2004

i cant believe you got through to them. you musta been calling in the middle of the night or something. so far i've run into a nearly constant busy signal or an annoying voice mail thing that promises a call back within 72 hours but theyre lying dammit.

(i even left one message using a sinister accent but...)

Gene Nash

on Aug 04, 2004

Okay, Kingbee, here's whatcha do:

Pick up your phone receiver. Tap the flash button till the dial tone stops. Say very distinctly, pausing between each phrase, "Bomb.... President.... White House.... Those pics of John Ashcroft."

Sit back and wait. They'll come to you.

("Honey, why does the Domino's guy have an Uzi?")

kingbee

on Aug 04, 2004

wow. that's the quickest response ive enjoyed from any government agency since just after new years when i had to return all those rented nativity pageant costumes to this place in philly and i couldnt get the last one into the shipping carton. since i was flying there myself, i figured hey why not get one more use out of this joseph robe (the beard looked so cool) so i put it on and you'd think those guys musta lived their whole lives in a barn. they obviously had no clue about manger scenes.

Gene Nash

on Aug 04, 2004

Wow, that really surprises me. I'd have thought they knew all about manger scenes since those Ashcroft pics involved several sheep, a donkey, and a little boy drumming... er... "something." (Yeah, no-one ever believes this when I tell them, but you just "Baaah" as Johnny-boy walks by and watch the reaction you get! And if you indiscreetly whistle "The Little Drummer Boy" you'd better be wearing a bullet-proof vest. There's an intern story that would put Monica Lewinsky under the table. So to speak. You won't hear about this on FOX either. Not because they are a conservative organization, but because Shepard Smith was also there. I guess he was the only "shepard" Ashcroft could dig up at that time of night, and after all the kink must be played out in all aspects or it's just not hot, right? FOX will do anything not to get implicated in the scandal.)

I hope you quickly informed those jack booted thugs you were a member of the Saudi Royal Family and they had better call your good friend George W. Bush before you called Opec. Well, unless you're blogging from Guantánamo Bay, I guess you must have.

So, how's the weather in Cuba today?

kingbee

on Aug 05, 2004

because Shepard Smith was also there. I guess he was the only "shepard" Ashcroft could dig up at that time of night

keep that up and youll be down here soon mi amigo...hopefully in time for a couple cuba libres and the nightly interrogation (which consists of a few more drinks and being forced to watch an 8mm film of ashcroft doing his impression of 'reecky' singing baba-lu * until we give up some information**).

* filmed at one of the last j edgar hoover birthday bashes...which is why we all crack up when 'ethel' shows up during the conga solo.

** usually issuing a group statement to the effect of 'osama was right...yall really are a buncha decadent mofos' in arabic will suffice.

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