Well, NBC's
Last Comic
Standing is now in the finals. Last Thursday they had the
"reveal show" to give the results of viewers' voting from the
previous Tuesday. The final six were cut in half. Bye-bye, Jay London
(my personal pick for winner). Bye-bye, Kathleen
Madigan. Bye-bye, Sicilian goddess Tammy
Pescatelli.
We were given
three votes. While Jay London may have been my overall pick (he's
just so cuddly and lovable how can you not vote for him?), I did
throw a vote to Tammy Pescatelli. That way if I ever meet her I can
honestly say, "Yo, baby, I voted for you. That's right,
all those other idiots didn't know a great thing when they saw her.
C'mon over here. Tell me all about it...."
Earlier in the
show, Tammy came close to losing to Todd Glass in what was the
closest of all votes. I was horrified. You mean I don't get to see
Tammy every week?! Why didn't I tape the episode?! She had been
lounging in the pool in a bikini. I could have made a video capture!
I could have had that picture! Blown up. Life-size. On the living
room wall. (Try explaining that when Pastor comes for a
visit.)
That's right, I'm
hot for Tammy Pescatelli. I said it.
Of course, my
grandmother would kill me if I hooked up with a Sicilian. Not that
Grannie's not tried to off me a couple of times already -- but that's
another story for another time.
The great thing
about being Italian is you don't have to pay to have someone
killed. You just have to call up cousin Anthony. It's kind of like
Strangers on a Train -- you do my murder, I'll do yours --
only there's no train and you aren't strangers.
"And if you screw
it up, I don't know you! I never met you! Got it?"
"I'm not going to
screw up, Mom! Sheeesh."
"Sicilians aren't
Italians," my Grandmother has admonished me. How old school Italian
do you have to be to still not accept Sicily? "Italians aren't
Mafia," they tell me, "that's the Sicilians." Nope, we real
Italians are saints, martyrs even.
See, Grannie only
wants the best for me -- to not touch any Sicilians and to become a
martyr. And if I do the former she'll make sure to take care of the
latter.
Tammy, if you're
out there -- we could make beautiful laughter together. Call me.