how do i pope thee? let me count the ways...
Dear Princes of Rome,
Please weigh the following ten items when considering my nomination for Pope. Thank you.
10. I'm part Italian. You get to have an Italian and non-Italian Pope at the same time.
9. I'm multi-lingual, so I can keep up that whole "talk to them in their own language" thing.
8. I look good in weird hats.
7. I have relatives in Italy, so you wouldn't have to put me up or anything. (But I don't eat much, if you want to keep me.)
6. I don't know any Nazis. (I've never even met Schwarzenegger.)
5. I'm not into porn, so I won't get smudgy fingerprints on the collection.
4. I'm not a psychopath, so I won't pull that whole "Name of the Rose" thing on those Cardinals, et al, who do get smudgy fingerprints on the collection.
3. My stigmata experience was not the result of a nasty paper-punch accident, no matter what you've heard.
2. 3 words: Pimp My Popemobile.
1. I've secured a commitment from several prominent Ayatollah's to issue a fatwa against Dan Brown immediately upon my ordination.
And, oh yeah, I'm also well versed in Christianity and religious stuff, if that helps any.
Yours,
Gene Nash
P.S.
Reasons I shouldn't be Pope:
I look lousy in Red.
I'm not Catholic. (Though, Nona Campici used to be. Doesn't that count for something?)