WEREWOLVES CONTROL THE GOVERNMENT!

arooooo!

Published on August 21, 2005 By Gene Nash In Humor

As I lay in bed, staring out the window at the full moon, I pondered what I could use to fight off werewolves.

There's not much silver about the "silver"-ware. I doubt that any of what little jewelry I have is silver. In fact, I'm hard pressed to identify anything in the place that is certifiably silver.

In the old days you could pelt the hairy beasties with quarters and nickels. If you were really good at flickin' coin, you might break hide or penetrate an eye ("Don't do that or you'll put someone's eye out!" That's the idea, Mom.), then sit back and roast s'mores while wolfie combusted from the inside out right before your eyes. (Boy, I miss Assembly of God summer camp.)

But the government stopped putting silver in coins. Then it struck me: our government is in the pocket of werewolves! WEREWOLVES CONTROL THE GOVERNMENT!

Anyone who's seen the fine documentary Werewolf of London knows that Asia has an abundance of werewolves, owing to a rare Tibetan flower that is the only known werewolf cure. Werewolves flood in, hoping to acquire the flower, but only succeed in making lots of silver-sensitive, hairball puking Asians.

What's less well known is that the Communists captured may of these lycanthropes and converted them to their cause. (Richard Condon's novel was originally called The Manchurian Wolf. Publishers felt it wasn't "realistic" enough and demanded a full rewrite. If they only knew.)

As Lyndon Johnson escalated the war in Vietnam, these most hirsute of commie agents infiltrated America under cover of moonless night. One eventually attacked the president. The secret service killed this monster, but not before she bit our commander-in-chief. (Perhaps you've heard of Wolf-Baines?)

Due to Johnson's efforts, werewolfism spread throughout the Democratic Party faster than Marilyn Monroe at the Kennedy Compound. (Speaking of Kennedys, Teddy wanted to pull Mary Jo Kopechne out of that pond, but you know how much cats hate water.) With half the nation's politicians developing a rapidly worsening silver allergy, a bill was easily passed to eliminate silver from most common coinage.

Capitol vending machines saw a dramatic rise in profits. The "Great Society" (for werewolves) had begun.

The removal of silver from circulating coinage was completed in 1970, shortly after Richard Nixon remarked how hairy a Chinese negotiator's palms were. With a wink and a sly smile he insinuated the negotiator must be an unmarried man. As the negotiator lunged for Nixon, canine teeth bared, Nixon gasped, "You may swing that way, but I certainly do not!" Moments later, he did. (This exchange can clearly be heard on tapes available at the Nixon Presidential Library in Yorba Linda, CA, though few recognize the exchange's true significance.)

(As an aside, Nixon would have negotiated anything away to the Chinese just to get him near Tibet and his sweaty hands on that flower. He, however, betrayed his friends and allies by refusing to share. Haldeman, Dean, and others were especially incensed. Watergate soon followed. G. Gordon Liddy is not a werewolf. He's just surly.)

With the Republican Party firmly in their hairy grasp, the removal of silver from American coinage was inevitable. (A small amount was still permitted to be minted "for collectors," just to keep the public at large off the scent.) Subsequently, silver is far less common in American households today than at any other time in our history, leaving us virtually defenseless from lycanthropic attack.

And that's how werewolves took over our government.

Comments

kingbee

on Aug 21, 2005

so hunter s. thompson wasn't too far off when, after characterizing richard nixon as 'america's answer to mr. hyde', he proclaimed nixon 'speaks for the werewolf in us.'

Sir Peter Maxwell

on Aug 21, 2005

"she took a turn for the worse last night and is back on the ventilator"

Better get the black suits out and book a flight to England dear girl.

Moderateman

on Aug 21, 2005

aaaaaaaaaaaa ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

gene you are on the "list" for exposing us.. beware!

mada_ecks

on Aug 21, 2005

Heh, so lycanthropy do exist. Just not the way I hoped it would be though. Damn.

I mean, how cool would that be? Once a month you get to go beserk, tear people's throats out, terrorize the community at large, ripping and rending and howling like mad. Sounds like great fun to me!

Park in my spot now, motherfucker, you go right ahead. See what you get when the moon is full....

Absolutely, and if you were one of those bad-ass lycans from Underworld, you wouldn't even have to wait until the full moon. You could control when you turned. So that motherfucker that parked in the space, his ass would be grass and you're the freakin' lawnmower.

-mx-

Ionolast

on Aug 21, 2005

you know how much cats hate water

Werewolves are canines, not felines.

mada_ecks

on Aug 21, 2005

Heh, so lycanthropy do exist. Just not the way I hoped it would be though. Damn.

-mx-

Sir Peter Maxwell

on Aug 21, 2005

"Werewolves are canines, not felines."

I think he is trying to say Ted Kennedy is a 'pussy' to use a crude peasant expression.

Dr Guy

on Aug 21, 2005

This one is for the books! But it dont help my monitor none with all the coke on it!

Gene Nash

on Aug 23, 2005

so hunter s. thompson wasn't too far off when, after characterizing richard nixon as 'america's answer to mr. hyde', he proclaimed nixon 'speaks for the werewolf in us.'

Obviously Mr. Thompson knew more than he was letting on.

(He also knew how to go out with a bang -- in more ways than one, unfortunately. Sadly my knowledge of HST begin and ends with Bill Murray's portrayal in Where The Buffalo Roam.)

Park in my spot now, motherfucker, you go right ahead. See what you get when the moon is full....

Who needs wolf saliva injections? I'm already like that!

gene you are on the "list" for exposing us.. beware!

Y'all will have to stand in line. I hope there's some left by the time you make it to the Nash Nosh buffet.

Werewolves are canines, not felines.

What, you expected that explanation to hold any more water than all Teddy's others?

This one is for the books! But it dont help my monitor none with all the coke on it!

I hear Coke is an excellent cleaning agent. You may have one of the cleanest monitors in town, thanks to me. (Gratuities graciously accepted.) Besides, it's both one of the most benign substance to squirt on your monitor and one of the least embarrassing to explain.

I think he is trying to say Ted Kennedy is a 'pussy' to use a crude peasant expression.

Amongst other things.

Although in the graphic novel (pretentious way to say "comic book" for geeks who are pretending they're not really that pathetic) "Batman: Bloodstorm", a vampire turns into a werewolf and bites Selina Kyle, turning her into a were-cat (just because she liked cats?), a literal cat woman. If that's possible, and in the highly unlikely event Teddy told the truth, then I suspect his overwhelming puss-ness caused him to become a were-pussy.

That would explain this recent appearance on the Senate floor:

And here we thought his nose was red from too much drink.

Although, it could have been worse. He might have ended up like this poor (no longer a) schmuck:

Dr Guy

on Aug 23, 2005

And here we thought his nose was red from too much drink.

ROFL!

Spc Nobody Special

on Aug 23, 2005

Well, if you're stuck for silver, I once read a czech folk remedy for lycanthropy, that you could cure a werewolf by smacking him on the nose with a ring of keys.

However, running around smacking senators on the nose with the keys to your Kia during a session of Congress as being well recieved by Homeland Security.

I wouldn't worry about Russian politicians though. Did you ever see that old tape of Kruschev? Any werewolf that went after him when he had a shoe handy was in for a surprise..........

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