Most Americans may not have noticed, insular and self-obsessed as we are, but there have been serious racial conflicts going on in Australia.

It started when a group of Lebanese-Australians attacked some lifeguards on a beach. Then a bunch of Aussie equivalents to drunken good ol' boys went out to settle the score. You've heard of soccer hooligans? Think beach ball hooligans and you're on the right track. It's been the proverbial snowball rolling down hill ever since.

This morning as I read the latest reports on the problem, I happened upon this paragraph about the Australian government's idea of how to combat the problem:

"In response, the government announced a new 440,000 dollar (330,000 US) programme to promote respect and understanding between ethnic groups, including encouraging non-Anglo Australians to become lifeguards -- a role long seen as heroic in the country's beach culture."

Hmmm.

A program to promote ethnic understanding? "Hey, Mr. Neo-Nazi! John Howard invites you to Leo Buscaglia, Jr.'s new seminar where you can see the error of your ways and get all touchy-feely with the melatonin enhanced!" Right. "Hey, Mr. Muslim Extremist! Put this nifty pro-peace poster under your government supplied blacklight and mellow out! It's all good!" Yep, that'll work.

A move to make more non-whites lifeguards? I guess the mistake they made was attacking lifeguards. If only they'd beat up a few representatives, they'd have been invited to form a new coalition government by now. Then that guy with the beachside burqa franchise would finally strike it rich and be acknowledged as the far-seeing genius he is.

With a response like that, you'd think this took place in California, not Australia. The only difference is, we'd probably throw a billion dollars at it. Hey, Santa Monica, if you need some redevelopment money....