The random thoughts of a nash.
Gene Nash's Articles In Humor » Page 2
April 11, 2007 by Gene Nash
Please excuse the misplaced 3s. As you read this article, you'll discov3r I'm blogging from an Intern3t connected cash register with a sticky 3 3 E. (Damn!)

With the unseasonably warm weather came the d3cision to start the community pool season early. In a desperate attempt to cool off, I soaked in a vat of SPF 5000 and headed out.

I found it nec3ssary to keep mainly to the middle of the pool as the North Eastern corner had been claimed by 10 of Laughlin's 14 Iranian citizens (grandchildre...
November 22, 2005 by Gene Nash
At first I couldn't see what the authors of this article had to complain about. Then I looked closer at the pictures. OMG! What a sneaky trick!

Presidential Hall
Dwight D. Eisenhower Executive Office Building

Nov. 22, 1:11 p.m. EST

Even hardened beltway insiders were shocked speechless when President Bush turned the annual pardoning of the "National Thanksgiving Turkey" into a political stunt.

"There were children there!" said one west winger who demanded anonymity...
November 7, 2005 by Gene Nash
I don't know if this is better or worse than a few months ago when the Catholic Church decided to advertise for new priests on beer mats.

Somewhere in Sydney Australia, Anglican priest Rev. David "The Fighting Father" Smith has come up with a unique way to promote his website -- toilet tablets emblazoned with his image and website URL. (Or should that be URinaL?)

Some of Father Dave's other promotions include an e-book entitled Sex, The Ring, and The Eucharist, regular fight nights, a...
November 5, 2005 by Gene Nash
Tony-winning actress Sutton Foster -- yeah, I never heard of her either -- was rehearsing the musical The Drowsy Chaperone at the Ahmanson Theater in Los Angeles earlier this week when a funny thing happened on the way to the premiere.

During the number "I'm An Accident Waiting To Happen" she fell over and broke her arm.

That's called irony, folks.

I haven't been so amused by a story this week since the Baptist pastor stopped mid-baptism to grab a microphone and electrocuted himself.
October 26, 2005 by Gene Nash
[Click here to listen to the audio version of this article! --> .MP3 (download) , .M3U (streaming MP3 format) ]

True! I am afraid -- very afraid -- and almost paralyzed with nervousness. The fear sets my nerves on end, gripping across me like a hand-knitted wool pullover in a surprise summer storm. My very soul is the unwilling victim this mongrel cur in heat humps away at.

Crazy? Insane? Of course that doesn't make me insane! I'm as sane as anyone else in this room. I... I can prove it!...
August 21, 2005 by Gene Nash
As I lay in bed, staring out the window at the full moon, I pondered what I could use to fight off werewolves.

There's not much silver about the "silver"-ware. I doubt that any of what little jewelry I have is silver. In fact, I'm hard pressed to identify anything in the place that is certifiably silver.

In the old days you could pelt the hairy beasties with quarters and nickels. If you were really good at flickin' coin, you might break hide or penetrate an eye ("Don't do that or you'll pu...
June 21, 2005 by Gene Nash
If you're old enough, you may remember Gilda Radner's Saturday Night Live character Emily Litella.Emily would regularly appear on the news segment to rebut something she had heard during the broadcast. It always quickly became evident it was something she had misheard. For instance, instead of railing against a Supreme Court decision on the death penalty, Emily thought they were picking on the hearing impaired with a "deaf penalty." In another instance, Emily took a story about bussing children ...
June 18, 2005 by Gene Nash
I heard a horrible slur on Liberal women yesterday, and I just can't believe it.

I overheard two uncouth "gentlemen" (and I use the term very lightly) exchanging advice on "screwing" and one said to the other, "Just remember the old saying: Righty tighty, Lefty loosey."


I don't know where they heard this "old saying," but it is patently ridiculous to think you could tell such a thing solely from a woman's political orientation!

I immediately challenged them, demanding, "Prove it...
June 8, 2005 by Gene Nash
When I first read this story I was shocked. But I am sad and disillusioned to find the victim was our very own Grandpa J4J.

Wednesday, June 8, 2005
West Bank, Israel

A shocking documentary by Arab television network Al-Jazeera has led to violence in the streets here in the West Bank.

An unnamed peace loving Jewish man on a mission of mercy was beset by stick wielding Muslim youths yesterday. According to witnesses, the man barely escaped in his car. He was briefly treated at a local ho...
June 3, 2005 by Gene Nash
So, I'm reading "Funny Wikipedia Articles" by someone named Andrew J. Brehm when I happen across this sentence:"The only city in Germany with an explicit prostitution tax is Cologne."Which, dyslexic that I am, I read as,"The only German with explicit prostitution to ask is Col. Gene."  Don't let anybody fool you -- dyslexia is fun!
May 31, 2005 by Gene Nash
Invite as many liberals as you can to potlatches. Big Red likes 'em round and spongy.
May 14, 2005 by Gene Nash
Doctor's handwriting isn't the only thing that can be hard toread. These "what the?!" moments brought to you from the 'net atlarge. Extra comments are all mine.1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over ayear.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day itdisappeared completely.
3. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in1993.
        [Was thatbefore or after she got the bill?]
4. The pa...
April 18, 2005 by Gene Nash
Dear Princes of Rome,

Please weigh the following ten items when considering my nomination for Pope. Thank you.

10.  I'm part Italian. You get to have an Italian and non-Italian Pope at the same time.
9.  I'm multi-lingual, so I can keep up that whole "talk to them in their own language" thing.
8.  I look good in weird hats.
7.  I have relatives in Italy, so you wouldn't have to put me up or anything. (But I don't eat much, if you want to keep me.)
6.  I don't k...
March 17, 2005 by Gene Nash
Meanwhile, at an unidentified pub, somewhere in the world...

I tell ya, we Irish are far more powerful than the Jews, we is.

The Jews turned one river red, once.
We Irish turn numerous rivers and millions of beers green every year.

And, really, would ya drink a beer that had turned to blood, anyhow? Wait, I just got a good look at you. You might.

Not only that, but we Irish are far more fun.

Those Jews have a Wailing Wall.
We have a Blarney Stone.

So, when you get done crying...
March 14, 2005 by Gene Nash
This is what I've learned from watching Sylvester Stallone's new boxing "reality show" The Contender.