Put the salve on as instructed, go in foryour shots, and stay away from that one -- you'll be fine. Wait --wrong "burning" question.     After perusing myreferrals, I decided to answer some of the questions which havegone unanswered by the articles which search engines inaccuratelydumped people on. "When does Lent end?" -- It's over. For future reference it ends at Easter. That should be easy enough, right? "When does Lent start?" -- ...

        Two stories onlyrelated by the military.         One of the Army'sleast known and more peculiar perks just may be freeplastic surgery. The Army surgeons who perform reconstructivesurgery on wartime casualties need someone to practice on. Entersoldiers, veterans, and families of the Army, Reserves, and NationalGuard. According to Dr. Bob Lyons, Army Chief of Plastic Surgery,they can offer any kind of cos...

        Have you seen that Progresso Soup commercial where a couple has just finished cleaning out the garageafter sending their last child off to college? It follows the usualcourse of Progresso commercials: A person exerts themselves thendecides to have some soup to replenish. (I know after exhaustingmyself the first thing I always want is a nice hot bowl of flavoredwater.) They go to the kitchen, grab a can of Campbell'sSoup , and begin warming it ...

        The "clearance"aisles and shelves at Wal-Mart should be required browsing for anymarketer, fledgling or established. It's painfully obvious why someproducts fail. So obvious I wonder why the manufactures didn't seethem in the proposal stage. Take a few examples from a recentshopping jaunt.         I've alreadywritten about howbad TV reception is here , so here is an interesting product: acombination VHF/...

        I am very pleasedto get along so well with the many Australians we have here on JU.I'm so glad they were able to put that horrible incident of the early90's behind them and move on.         In 1994, shortlyafter a magnitude 6.8 earthquake shook nearby Northridge Californiakilling 61 people, I logged on to a bulletin board system (BBS)located in Beverly Hills. The BBS served as the distribution pointand in...

        My apologies ifsomeone on JU has already pointed this out.         There's aShockwave political cartoon that's taking the 'Net by storm. It hasJohn Kerry and George W. Bush dancing around and singing a veryfractured version of "This Land Is Your Land." Highlights include thecameos by Howard Dean and Bill Clinton. (Okay, the Clinton bitfinally got me to burst out laughing.)      &n...

"Hello? Homeland Security ? Good I want to report terroristthreats. I was reading this book and the guy in it said... no it wasa novel.... What do you mean? You mean you don't care that this guysaid...? What is wrong with you people? So if he phoned in a bombthreat.... Yeah! If the guy in the novel phoned in a bomb threat...!So that's okay with you? "Well there's a very real author behind it, isn't there? He is inciting violence! Listen, anytime anyone says something likethis people of de...

        Well, NBC's Last ComicStanding is now in the finals. Last Thursday they had the"reveal show" to give the results of viewers' voting from theprevious Tuesday. The final six were cut in half. Bye-bye, Jay London(my personal pick for winner). Bye-bye, KathleenMadigan. Bye-bye, Sicilian goddess TammyPescatelli.         We were giventhree votes. While Jay London may have been my overall pick (he'sjust s...

Available for immediate delivery: One slightly used cat. Grey and white. Answers (when not engrossedby something new to sniff at) to the name "Fuzzy." Little over oneyear old, so relatively new. Has the following characteristics: Climbs drapes Destroys venetian blinds Will happily jump on your head while you are sleeping Is convinced bathroom sink is his one and only special sleeping area Sure to spend considerable time breaking into the one place he's not...

So, I'm surfing around, and I happen upon this site that wants me to give them my email address (to start selling so I can get plenty good SPAM, sailor) in exchange for proof that ghosts exists. "We have proof they exist!" the site screams. I was screaming too -- with laughter. This is the banner they used to try and lure me into watching this terrifying evidence. Um, guys, that is neither scary nor convincing me of anything other than you have a really bad eye for horro...

It's easy to see why some people object to having no control over whom they're forced to share space with on the sidebar. Sometimes those bunched up titles can bring up some interesting juxtapositions or even blend together in unintended but amusing ways. For instance, my last article ("You Talkin' to ME?") got sandwiched between a limp dick and a dirtbag. Then there was this little gem. (I'll leave it to you to decide whether or not the two "bads" are supposed to equal each ot...

I found these cool DVDs in Wal-Mart. It's a four DVD set called "Comedy Classics" with... 5 episodes of The Jack Benny Program 12 Episodes of You Bet Your Life with Groucho Marx Road to Bali (Bob Hope and Bing Crosby movie) My Favorite Brunette (Bob Hope) Road to Hollywood (1946 Documentary about Bing Crosby) At War with the Army (Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin movie) ...761 minutes of classic wit and mirth, and all for less than $10. Score! So, I'm standing in the checkout...